Juan Villoro
“Don’t even get me started on dogs,” Alma said, and we knew she would be the only one to bring up the subject. Her passion for dogs brooks no interruption. I was glad that was the case because it revealed some curious aspects of contemporary behavior.
She began by referring to another species. She had just read an article with the revealing title “Women Prefer… Neanderthals.” According to a recent paleontological discovery, 250,000 years ago, female Homo sapiens left Africa for Europe and, to their misfortune, encountered Neanderthals. That explains the traces of primitive DNA that persist in some members of our species.
“I married a Neanderthal!” Alma exclaimed. “Rodri will die without ever knowing what inner life is.” She then described her ex’s physical virtues, which led her to overlook his shortcomings and to cast doubt on her own inner life.
Thanks to couples therapy, she separated without collateral damage, other than the loss of the microwave. The hardest part was establishing joint custody of Matías, a black-and-white border collie.
The arrangement turned out to be like the peace accords in the Middle East. Something could explode at any moment. Matías would return to Alma’s house with a shifty look, sniff around suspiciously, and urinate in the hallway. “Don’t overcomplicate things: get another dog,” her friends told her, unable to understand that every creature is unique and irreplaceable.
Dogs of divorced parents take advantage of their owners competing for their affection to get their way. Before the separation, Matías wasn’t allowed on the bed. The very next day, he slept next to Alma, and soon after, he was allowed under the covers.
In her latest book, *Dogs and People: A Love Story*, Julieta García González demonstrates that canine behavior is as varied as human behavior, but differs from ours in its unwavering loyalty.
Matías adored Alma, but something was making him sad. Was he suffering from separation anxiety? Would the divorce affect him to the point of making it difficult to care for his puppies? My friend enrolled in interspecies therapy and discovered that she was projecting her own bipolarity onto the dog: days without the dog were depressing, and euphoria would erupt at the first bark.
The divorce equation becomes a third-degree equation with the arrival of another person. Rodri’s new partner was a vegan nutritionist who, in an almost proselytizing manner, called herself Magnolia. She discovered that the dog had food allergies and modified his diet. Not to be outdone, Alma went out of her way to find hydrolyzed proteins and hypoallergenic treats.
She was on the verge of changing her own diet, but in interspecies therapy, she realized that would mean competing with her ex-husband’s girlfriend. She ate more ham than ever (behind Matías’s back).
Being modern means being complicated. Alma would find this out with her new partner, Carlos Raúl, a mechatronics expert who had played basketball and whose temperament bordered on perfection. “Too good to be true,” she prophesied, and she would be right.
Tired of designing electronic automation systems, Carlos Raúl felt an irresistible desire to get closer to nature. He joined the Therian subculture and made contact with his inner dog: “I’m a Chihuahua,” he announced to Alma.
She found it endearing that a basketball player would embrace the spirituality of a tiny creature, but Matías hated the human who scratched his head with a paw and howled or growled in the dining room. The imaginary dog caused the real dog to shed hair on the rug.
Alma didn’t want to stoop to discussing the issue with her ex, so she stooped to talking to Magnolia instead. Rodri’s new girlfriend adopted the smug attitude of someone who can afford to be understanding: “Switch therapists, friend, ” she advised. The remark was annoying because they weren’t friends at all, but it was certainly true that the interspecies therapy had stopped working.
Alma signed up for a retreat with a dog trainer and participated in sessions for “owners who want to be people.” There she learned that she had triggered Matías’s behavior. “I don’t like Chihuahuas,” she confessed, and broke up with her boyfriend. Matías’s fur grew back immediately.
Alma belongs to an era marked by pointless worries. What seemed like a problem was actually a solution.
She stopped looking for trendy remedies and realized that the dog was her therapist.
Further Reading: